They say the true purpose of a blog is to rant and rave about various topics. If “they” are correct, please consider this here to be a true blog. Some people express their feelings to friends or significant others, some write in a private journal and others may use facebook or twitter as a platform. I prefer blogging and if I have an idea to discuss or a situation that so moves me, I will blog. As a woman of almost 30 ( I’m too young to start lying about my age, fortunately), I would like to hit home on the topic of motherhood and to discuss odd characteristics of mothers that I have run into during the last 5 years of my life. As more and more people around me become mothers, I am noticing several dynamics among them that I don’t necessarily care for. Anyone who knows me, understands that I can be critical, sarcastic and snarky (at best) and that if I place my blogging aim in your direction, you better watch out ( ha ha kidding!). All jokes aside, this “motherhood” epidemic has become a very serious and very real threat to mankind. You may be asking yourself now, why is this a problem? Are you just jealous Tanya because you don’t have kids? What is your problem you tyrannical bitch? ….Calm yourself people, simply hear me out. I promise I will not let you down on this point. There are a distinct set of changes that a woman goes through once she has a child (besides the obvious) that I feel must be discussed and analyzed. No one analyzes tomfoolery the way I do! Just saying. I look forward to being a mom, hopefully sooner rather than later, so I feel I have a right to delve deeper into these mysteries in life before I take the plunge. I think that anyone who has a friend, cousin, sister or coworker who has become pregnant, birthed the child and lived to tell about it, can relate to this blog and may even find it in their stone cold hearts to chuckle a little. Generally once a regular, normal, funny, energetic and loving young lady becomes a mother they are no longer the same person and I think it’s only fair to let my fellow human beings in on a few observations I have made on “ muthas”….Now let me elaborate…
1. Mothers – Well, they are just simply better than you!
Motherhood. It’s a simple notion really. You get pregnant, you have a baby, and you live happily ever after right? No one ever talks about the plight of those around you and what they must endure once you become “ All a-glow”. Getting down to the brass tacks of this matter, I must say that mothers tend to have a very smug and critical demeanor about them especially in regards to non-mothers and even worse, to other mothers. I’ve been told there is an unspoken competition among mothers who happen to be friends or those mothers who run in the same circles. Everyone wants to be the “best” mother and happily noses around in everyone’s business pointing out their flaws and errors in order to maintain that title. If you don’t have a kid you are worthless, you know nothing about life, and frankly, you are dull and offer very little to the world. Any positive trait you may possess as a non-mother can quickly be squashed by any mom you speak to within a 10 mile radius. Are you in shape? Well sure you are, you haven’t had a kid stretch your figure to the outer limits. Are you perky and energetic ? Well sure you are, you haven’t had a kid suck the life out of you yet. Do you go on vacations? Well sure you do because you don’t have the old miniature balls and chains clamping you firmly to the ground like a 100 year old headstone. If you are a non-mom, don’t you dare try to complain about life because you have NO idea what real problems are. In fact, when I hang around a gang of mothers I make a point to keep my eyes to the ground, my hands clasped firmly in front of me, and I certainly do not speak unless spoken to. ( I figure being black and childless is two strikes, and well, one more and I am certainly out!)
While working an event with two younger girls (ages 22 and 24) they both revealed that they had kids , were in school, also still very single and living with their parents(natch). My first thought, was oh wow, these girls are some young mamas. I explained to them that I was 29 and did not have kids at this point (by choice) but that I was recently married to a great guy and that we definitely hoped to have a family soon. Even though I was the clear winner in this situation, they looked at me with sympathy as if to say “ hmm, the old hag hasn’t got what it takes has she? A pity, really, she’s got birthin hips for sure…”. I sat there laughing on the inside thinking, are they really serious with this? And to answer my question, their eyes leveled at my midsection as if to solemnly inspect my one “good egg” and prayerfully hope for the best. By the way, young girls think 30 is really really old, therefore hold fast to the notion that “older” women have a shaky reproductive system and all pine away for that child. Over the course of 5 minutes time two young wayward college girls mentally placed themselves on a pedestal above me only because they were moms and I was not. This is happening all over the country and its not stopping anytime soon. This is serious people. I feel that only through informing the public can something ever be done about this growing problem.
2. All knowing and Glowing- Motherhood
So apparently having a child gives you sudden infinite wisdom in line with that of the Dahli Lama. I have never met a mother who did not feel as if she possessed all the worldly intelligence of MENSA and NASA combined. I dare someone to argue me down on that. OK first let me lend credit where credit is due. Mothers are really awesome and hard working, they really are. Don’t let me subtract worth however let’s be realistic here. Girls who are 13 and 14 are having babies, so we can clearly see there is no educational requirement as a part of the motherhood application process. No one is going to get me to subscribe to the belief that simply birthing a kid produces a sudden and profound wisdom. Ok so possibly some instincts kick in, but discovery channel tells us that instincts also kick in for a mother penguin, kangaroo and silver back gorilla, and I don’t see them performing open heart surgery, do you? I do wish that mothers would be more realistic and a bit more understanding to us non -mothers. Its a tough world as it is for us non-mommies now we've got to deal with the gloating glares of our mommy friends with their " matching outfits" for them and their daughter, trips to soccer practice for their sons and not to mention their endless complaints about their kids ( but don't say anything bad about their kids or family or you are in big trouble, only they can complain!). When these complaints come out, just nod meaningfully and quote scripture. ( works every time, trust me on this). A mother just simply knows best ( in their minds), there is just no other way to put it in plainer terms.
2. All knowing and Glowing- Motherhood
So apparently having a child gives you sudden infinite wisdom in line with that of the Dahli Lama. I have never met a mother who did not feel as if she possessed all the worldly intelligence of MENSA and NASA combined. I dare someone to argue me down on that. OK first let me lend credit where credit is due. Mothers are really awesome and hard working, they really are. Don’t let me subtract worth however let’s be realistic here. Girls who are 13 and 14 are having babies, so we can clearly see there is no educational requirement as a part of the motherhood application process. No one is going to get me to subscribe to the belief that simply birthing a kid produces a sudden and profound wisdom. Ok so possibly some instincts kick in, but discovery channel tells us that instincts also kick in for a mother penguin, kangaroo and silver back gorilla, and I don’t see them performing open heart surgery, do you? I do wish that mothers would be more realistic and a bit more understanding to us non -mothers. Its a tough world as it is for us non-mommies now we've got to deal with the gloating glares of our mommy friends with their " matching outfits" for them and their daughter, trips to soccer practice for their sons and not to mention their endless complaints about their kids ( but don't say anything bad about their kids or family or you are in big trouble, only they can complain!). When these complaints come out, just nod meaningfully and quote scripture. ( works every time, trust me on this). A mother just simply knows best ( in their minds), there is just no other way to put it in plainer terms.
I believe when a woman has a child or two, her whole world happily begins to revolve around that family and she may forget that there are other life forms out there (you know, like the whole of mankind?) and the world does continue to spin on its axis and still remains round. And other people do continue to exist quite happily, and in the same way as they did before your screeching baby harp seal made its entrance into the world. I get that perhaps you see the world through different eyes as a mother and perhaps your priorities begin to shift but by no means are you able to put down your janitor's jumpsuit and start writing out algorithms on the chalkboard of an east coast ivy league university. If I had a penny for every time I heard " oh sweetie, just wait until you have a child..then you'll understand", I would have Bill Gates mopping my floors.
3. A "Fit” mom – welcome to your worst nightmare
Being in shape is a key component of most young and older women’s lives. Hell, it’s a topic that I can go on and on about. In relation to the matter of motherhood, it’s even more of a hot topic. I would say the most agitating situation to face is a mother who is extremely fit when you (a non-mother) are a few pounds shy of a metric ton. Not to beat a dead horse, but I would like to reiterate that mothers come standard with a superiority complex and gilded outlook on life. Now let’s see, we have mother plus muscular and shapely? Well, just sign me up for the shame spiral now, will save us all some time later. There is no more daunting of a moment than when you leave your favorite gym class and that skinny, flat tummied, lean legged lady who was in front of you ( the one with the high kick and the “ no water break” mentality) casually goes to the kids club to pick up her 5 week old infant. So after picking your jawbone up off the floor, you can then begin to ponder your worthless and unshapely existence. You may wonder, how can such a new mother be so slim and sleek, and most importantly, so damn flexible? Aren’t new mothers supposed to be weary and war-torn? Bags under their eyes AND under their midsection? Certainly not light on their feet and doing helicopter kicks in cardio class. Well, those are the days of old. Mothers these days are hip, hot and most importantly, super fit. There is a new thing going around where mothers purposely watch what they eat while pregnant in order to only gain the recommended amount. Que? What happened to the good old days when being preggers meant taking up residence at an all you can eat buffet for 9 months? This doesn’t bode well for my food loving self, I diet all the time , and now when I get pregnant I have to continue to diet in order to maintain a “preggy size 4” and wear non-maternity 7 for all Mankind jeans just because I can? Lord help us all. I want to eat pudding around the clock, set tubs of Ben and jerry on my huge stomach, lick juices from between my fat sausage-like fingers and stare sympathetically at non-preggies who have to watch their figures. So the one time in life we get to have a food free-for-all has now been taken away and replaced with 9 additional months of “getting” to eat both broccoli AND carrots in one sitting because we are “ eating for 2”. Mothers these days are getting fit fast after pregnancy and if you aren’t able to do that then be prepared to eat their dust ( and I mean literally, eat dust, so you can lose 50 lbs in 6 weeks like they do!). Its hard on us non-moms because you think of how hard it is to lose weight as it is and find time to work out, you think of how much harder than will be when you have a 10 lb leech attached to your milk bladders! The cockiest and most despicable of all mothers are of the thin, fit, in shape, 6 pack wielding, bicep flexing sort. Nothing more disheartening than being on the Stairmaster for 10 minutes gasping for breath ( on the slowest speed, nonetheless) and finally getting into your stride to turn to the machine to your left to find Mommy Dearest herself going at twice your pace, sweating half as much all while nursing her young in public, firming up plans with the babysitter on her cell phone and cleaning a Christmas ham.
-Tanya Birks
Non-Mother Extraordinaire
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