I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships but I do know a thing or two from experience (both good and bad). As I head toward age 30 I have kept a watchful and critical eye on my single friends who are in the dating world and the type of men they interact with. By the same token, I have paid close attention to the married/engaged/long term couples I know and the dynamic that exists between the two. I also have analyzed the personality traits and behavior of the coupled women versus the traits of the singletons. I have tried to make some parallels and also do some pros and cons. There was once a time when being married was the rare and undesirable position and being one of a large pack of single ladies was the norm and “the hot thing to be”. As time goes on, I see the tables are turning. And not in the way you might think. The group of singletons is still just as large and marriage is elusive to many women both young and old. There are some singletons who will swear they love singlehood ( lie) and have no desire to get married ( lie) and that they actually sympathize for those who are desperate and looking for love ( also a lie). I think the first step to actually finding real love is admitting that you are , in fact, openly looking for it! What spurred me to write this blog is that I have this oddly large number of awesome friends and acquaintances that are single with little to no prospects as we look at age 30 and even age 40. By awesome, I mean professional, pretty, smart, sociable…you name it, they got it. The number of singles is growing as divorce percentages keep going up and up. So there aren’t just other standard singletons to contend with there is now a plethora of divorced ladies who statistically have a better chance of getting married a second time than an unmarried has a chance at a first! Yikes. What could be wrong with this picture, you ask? I believe I may have a potential answer. A few months ago I had an idea after doing some people watching at the mall. I noticed that there were a great deal of average looking young ladies in couples and then every now and then I would see large wild packs of super hot beauties (no man in sight) dressed to the nines. The wheels in my head started turning. After this, I started to talk to single friends about their dating fiascos and experiences; I read some articles online and in advice magazines. On the other hand, I spoke with my coupled friends and married friends and I quietly took note of their behaviors. It has come to my attention that what men are looking for has changed and what women think men are looking for is completely skewed. To be fair, Men are misleading to us about what they want. Obviously, we notice how men often drool at hot women with big busts and sweet bodies or they think ditzy is really cute. Also Men say they don’t want to have to take care of a woman and they want an awesome corporate diva that makes “her own money”. We get these signals day in and day out via the media, books, and personal situations and even in movies. So of course a “single lady” is going to end up going down the wrong road and end up alone. For example, it seems like a lot of single young ladies adhere to the many concepts that Beyonce presents to us in her music.( Beyonce, who is clearly Harvard educated in psychology right?) What we fail to realize is that Beyonce super duper rich, is happily married to a Gazillionaire and oh yeah; she totally has a “ring on it” (one the size of Mars by the way). Beyonce has no issues saying whatever is necessary in a song to boost sales (whether it be to your romantic detriment or not) and get a whole bunch of single ladies digging their own graves. Beyonce is not a troubled singleton trying to find Mr. Right, nor has she ever been so why on earth must we cling blindly to her “anthems”? Based on my research it would seem like following any advice that Beyonce offers up in a song would send you on a one way train to Cat Lady-ville in a New York minute.
My point is no matter what men say they want, we have to be on our toes and look deeper. If you have male friends, think about what type of women they end up with ( the proof is normally in the pudding). Appearances can be deceiving. I know we all say that, but no really, they can be. Think about the age old tale where a woman dates a man for 10 years and he won’t commit to marriage only to leave her and date someone (who is her complete opposite) for 6 months and instantly put a ring on that woman’s finger.
I would like to discuss 5 traits that a lot of single women have that used to catch the attention of men but no longer do. Women hone these traits in order to present themselves as a “great catch” when it may be doing them a substantial disservice. I have devised this list based on research and through my own personal experiences, friends and situations. Take from it what you will (hopefuilly a good laugh!)
5 Traits that No longer Mean a damn thing to Men:
1. Being Hot
It’s no secret that men love a great body on a woman. They love to look at them in movies, magazines, videos or anything else that has likelihood to produce a perfect female form. The assumption is that men love big boobs, a round and tight bottom, slim and toned thighs and preferably long luxurious hair (oh and don’t forget, they must be super young too). Men are obsessed with and only want to marry the hot hot girls. Right? I would disagree. Naturally, us average women are going to immediately adhere to the notion that we must try to copycat those supermodel looks and spend unlimited amounts of time, money and energy trying to be “hot” by putting on buckets of make up and hair products and trendy clothes. Now don’t misunderstand my usage of the word “hot”. I don’t just mean pretty, cute, or beautiful. I mean along the lines of Brooklyn Decker, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron…Exotic beauties that cast fear the in the very hearts of men with one single glance. Back in the day (as in 2008), being “hot” was the ultimate trump card! Good looks meant you could write your own ticket in life for anything you wanted. Now? not so much. It doesn’t take a psychologist to look around and see that many average looking young ladies are happily married to a loving husband and reproducing while many very beautiful ladies are sitting at home alone counting their remaining eggs and singing lullabies to thin air like lunatics. Looks no longer matter. Let me repeat. Looks no longer matter. A man may read this and disagree with a vengeance, but I can’t renig on what I have said and too much research simply proves otherwise. I am not saying that all men dig ugly chicks, but I will say that a man can be intimidated by a bomb ass Betty. A man may never admit to this but I have seen it right before my eyes. Imagine the scene, a rich attractive lawyer hesitates to approach a super gorgeous gal at the bar because she is drop dead in her looks, her body is untouchably perfect and not to mention she is surrounded by 100 other girls that look just like her. What guy is diving into that wasps nest? Well not a sober one, that’s for sure. I say all this to say, that at the end of the day a man seeks a wife who is going to take care of home, produce and raise offspring, make him look good and be his partner in life. A decent looking lady with a reasonable figure (a few spare pounds aren’t a deal breaker these days) and a nice sweet smile can take you a lot further. Not every guy can handle a lifetime of playing second fiddle to some Heidi Klum look-a-like, so most won’t even take their chances. Make things easier for yourself and for your potential new man by going to the grocery store every now and then, but you know, not dressed like Ru Paul. Guys love the girl next door and have no problem wifing up Amy McAverageson versus a stone cold fox who is the layman’s equivalent of Eva Longoria. This is the age old truth. Unfortunately there are a lot of negative connotations that go along with really hot women and men are keenly aware of all of them. We all want to look our best when we go out but you don’t want to shy away a potential suitor because your 4 inch stilettos and perfect ass on display in a saran wrap club dress give him the wrong idea about you and your ability to rear his young.
2. Being a really Smart Chick
An Educated lady. Wow. Awesome. Lawyers, Accountants, Corporate tycoons. What a catch right? Not in 2011. We have all grown up hearing from our mothers that we should never dumb ourselves down in order to get a man and we should never deter from completing our college educations in order to accommodate “ some man”…How wonderful all that advice sounded back in our care free teen years and in our 20s. Now we are staring down the smoky barrel of 30(or 40 even) and maybe reflecting back on a few good men we squandered away claiming they were standing in the way of our oh so important pursuit of “education” hmm ok…possibly that wasn’t our finest hour…Now with crows feet setting in, gravity taking its course on our figures and the dating pool exponentially shrinking, we feel that we may have been a bit too hard on the old boys back in our hey day. I say all that to say that being a “smart chick” these days isn’t exactly roping in all the men like it once did. Men want to be the viewed as geniuses at all times and they have incredibly large egos. This isn’t a bad thing and I am not taking a jab, but it’s the truth. The sooner women come to terms with it and find a way to live with this, the happier they will all be. Unfortunately, to make a love a last, you’ve got to stroke the ego every now and again and let’s just be honest, simply play dumb when the situation calls for it. A male will 100% feel intimidated if he has an Associates Degree and you have an MBA or JD. That’s simply the brass tacks of that matter and I can’t be convinced otherwise. He may say its ok with him, and play the role of the doting comrade at your multiple graduations, but deep down all he can think about his own lack of education and how this all but guarantees your title of “Most Smart in this Relationship”. My point here is that while education is important and helps us earn more money (possibly) in our careers its not to be counted on a solid way to attract men in your direction. Personally, I wouldn’t use it as an opener at the bar top. Just saying. Men think they know everything and it’s a fact of life you just must live with. Battling against them in deep, heated political debates does little to nothing to create an aura of attractiveness around you. When you think you’ve won the debate because you’ve shut his argument down due to your solid grasp on facts, figures and current events, you will actually have lost because he is looking at the ditzy blonde over your shoulder who doesn’t know Rachel Ray from Rachel Maddow. The man becomes defensive and frustrated and starts to view you in a different light. If your natural tendency is to debate, you’ve got a long hard road ahead of you in the relationship department. Trying to impress him with your smarts is a dead end street as well. Nothing puts a fizzle on a date like a smug accountant watching her date use his iPhone to calculate the tip, only to bark out the correct tip settlement amount ( which she figured out in her head within seconds)with a cocky grin. Better get ready to spend some more nights at home watching Law and Order, because this guy is done. An MBA does not necessarily equal an MRS. Every man wants a smart wife; don’t get me wrong, but a bitchy know-it –all? Well he can take it or leave it.
3. Being Independent
Miss Independent. Don’t we know a bunch of those. Every man within earshot of this blog will SWEAR on their life that they really really want an independent woman. By this they mean, a women who will NOT ask him for his money and deplete all his resources because she has her own (and trust me this is ALL they mean by this). The misconception here is that men want the woman to be independent only by way of having her own money and a job but NOT in her mindset and outlook on life. (Nice huh?). Women get this wrong. Alot. They hear that men want independent but they aren’t aware of that little teeny tiny caveat. Men don’t want you to walking around screaming Beyonce anthems and telling them to move to “the left” because they can’t keep you in Gucci and Prada as you are accustomed to. It’s ok to have a job and make good money, but it’s also important to still appear to need him and his resources (no matter how limited they may be). This being said, women potentially drive off tons of future husbands by slamming their credit card down on a dinner tab and proclaiming loudly that they are independent and don’t need NO man to take care of them! Really? And you are the on this date for what reason then? I think in this day and age while it’s certainly a novelty for a woman to pay for dates , have nice cars and fancy clothes, a man feels it to be a slap in the face for his significant other to be truly “independent”. Think about it. If you are just so able to make it on your own, do you really even need him? I was told this same advice when I was 21 years old, and I immediately became defensive at the idea that I had to hold myself in second place to a man and his career and that I had to be the one to remain at the bottom of the career ladder while my focus remained squarely on “the home”. Now, at nearly age 30 my viewpoint has changed entirely. I get it. I understand it. I accept it. It’s not about demeaning yourself or undercutting your abilities but just realizing that its ok every now and then to be the lady and for him to be the man. Throwing your money and job status in the face of a man is not going to do you any favors in the relationship department. Deep down, I think men love the idea that a woman could provide for herself if she had to, but they still want to be seen as the caretaker and the provider and I am pretty sure they don’t mind a little neediness every now and then. Even men who don’t earn more than their wife, still like the atmosphere of the house to be where he is the King of the Castle. In these times, it’s common for women to work 10 to 12 work days, hold high profile positions at their jobs and put their home (cooking, cleaning, and family) in dead last place. Men really hate this and with just cause. Therefore, they view women that they date who claim to be “independent” as potentially going down that very road and it scares them. Therefore they will eventually look for greener and more “8 to 5 “pastures with a lady who isn’t going to constantly have to “schedule them in”. Every man says he really really wants an Independent Woman…but does he?
4. Having a Sense of Humor
Ahh, a sense of humor. The Ace in the Hole of personality traits. If you have a sense of humor, whether you are pretty or ugly, you can’t lose!! Right? ….more like, Wrong. As a jokester myself, I believe there was once a time when a few well timed jokes and a “life of the party” outlook could really take you places with a man. These days, the tides are certainly shifting. The reason is simple. Men love to believe they are extremely funny so much to the point where they could be a well paid stand up comedian if their whims ever so called for it. Any man who denies this is a boldface liar and you don’t want to date a liar, now do you? A man does not generally care to be with someone who will constantly upstage him and relinquish him of his thrown of the “Entertainer”. The point is that a funny woman can be taken in the wrong way in too many ways. There is sarcasm and irony and the old stand by of self-deprecating humor. What your final message will be is unknown. You make a joke about yourself, ok so now he thinks you have low self esteem. You make a joke about someone else, ok now he thinks you are a bitter and cynical hater. You make jokes about movies and spout quotes all day long, ok now he thinks you have no life. Humor is just too risky. With men these days and all their hang ups and sensitivities you just never know when one joke is just going to go too far. And even worse, if you are always slinging beers, throwing out raunchy jokes and scratching your nuts, you risk being seen as “one of the guys”. Lord knows, that is the temple of doom as far as relationships go. It’s hard to break out of that mold once you are set in it. I think men do, to some extent, like a women who makes them laugh but in a way that is not boorish or over the top. A few cute quips here and there or the random one liner should do fine but if you tend to really keep the crowd rip-roaring due to your constant stream of situational comedy…you may have a problem. You may glance over at your date to find him staring at you with narrowed and calculating eyes trying to figure out what’s really going on. The whole world is a stage…until its not. A true man is not willing to constantly stand by and play Sideshow Bob to your Krusty the Klown. If a “sense of humor” is your go to tune, its time to learn to play another instrument.
5. Loving Sports
This one is my favorite, so I have saved this one for last. I feel that this belief must be the biggest age-old myth that was ever invented. Some where back in the archives of history some man must have said “ Men love Women who love sports!”. Give me a break. Unfortunately this ideal has caught on like wildfire and women all over the globe (including myself at one time) have been reading and studying up on football and basketball as well as latching on to a few key teams and even participating in Fantasy Sports leagues. Now to be fair, I can admit that some women just truly and genuinely love sports and always have. However, I know for a fact that some women stay abreast of sports news and games in order to impress men or feel that this will somehow score them extra points, if you will, with the man of their dreams. Based on what I have seen in my own personal circle of friends, I will kindly beg to differ. I do believe it’s helpful to have a bit of sports knowledge because most men like to watch sports all the time and if you want to spend any time with the dude you have to jump on the bandwagon. However, very few men are interested in a surly, beer swigging, jersey wearing, backwards hat tomboy who is cussing out the refs louder than he is. You see where I am getting with this? I think when men say they want a woman who “loves sports”, they mean they want a woman who will “be quiet and get him a cold one” while sports are on the television and know enough about the game so as to not ask him any questions when a flag is called on the play. A man does not want to talk statistics with his lady in the same way he does his boys. If you are reminding a man of “his boys’ you are heading into dangerous territory. I think it’s to the woman’s favor to try to make as many clear differences as possible between her and the “Boys”. You would think this would be obvious but its not. While a man probably doesn’t prefer a women who knows nothing about sports or hates the games and at the end of the day he doesn’t mind a lady asking a few questions about the history of the game or seeking his opinion every now and then on certain calls. If a lady pushes to hard to show her “love” of sports a man may quickly start to view her as a drinking buddy or one of the gang. If you aren’t careful he may just start inviting you to Poker nights (ouch!). Just remember, the star quarterback is always going to end up marrying the Head cheerleader not his Left Tackle.
When it comes to men and dating and what they are looking for in a potential wife, your guess is as good as mine. In this blog I have made some random generalizations based on what I know and certainly not a professional opinion of any sort. Men are weird creatures and they must be entertained if you seek any form of romantic future with them. I think the key to scoring and keeping a good guy is reading the signals he is sending out and making adjustments as needed. Being picky, ornery, standoffish and unyielding will offer the least favorable results. If he is really the one you want, a few small sacrifices should be no big deal. Handling the ever-changing desires of men is as chancy as a game of craps and the odds of success are equally as unlikely. In this crazy game of love, they say you ought to play the hand you are dealt but I feel like you can pull a few more cards from the deck (or slide a few from the gray market) as needed but you still need a strategy to win. Do the best you can, being you, but then when being you isn’t quite going to cut it you have to put on your poker face, cover your hand and pull out your ace in the hole.
By: Tanya Birks
( married but had to learn the hard way :) )
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