How to NOT Lose weight in 30 days: 10 Tips

How to NOT Lose weight in 30 days: 10 Tips

I know in this day and age we are all currently oversaturated with ways to get in shape fast and how to lose weight for the summertime. That is great and all, yet I would like to shed some light on how to not lose weight despite your “best and most earnest” efforts.

I have a wedding coming up in June so of course I would love to look my best. In an unfortunate turn of events, I have not had much luck or success in getting back into my size 4 and size 6 clothes. I would like to believe that the last 30 days have been a fluke however when I dug deeper into my memory and reviewed my eating habits and actions, I have discovered that it’s quite possible, or rather an absolute certainty, that I may have sabotaged my own efforts. I would like to share some of this information with you so that you can avoid making the same mistakes with your own weight loss and fitness efforts. I am a down to earth gal so I have no particular issue with shedding light on my utterly ridiculous ways.

If I don’t get my act together soon, I am going to be able to patent my own special brand of “Shame”. If you do any of the following actions, individually or as a combination, I can guarantee your waist line and love handles will stay firmly in place, or as in my case, grow.


1.Drink a “Meal Replacement” shake and then still move forward with eating the actual meal that the shake was meant to replace.

I guess I should have read the directions more closely. The directions stated: “Dear Complete Idiot, Please replace 2 meals per day with this delicious shake for fast weight loss. Once the shake is finished, please do not still eat the meal it was meant to replace. Thank you”

Don’t judge me, you think it sounds easy but it’s harder than you think. (And FYI: I just found out that 50 baby carrots soaked in ranch dressing does “count” as a meal. A very high calorie meal, at that) Damn it.

2.Eat excessive amounts of fruits.

A banana is a great snack to cure sugar cravings when you are dieting, however eating 15 bananas a day is probably the equivalent of like 4 hamburgers. Case and Point: If you want to lose weight, it’s important not to eat more than 5 bananas in any given 24 hour period. Or really 5 of ANY Food. Just the basics of dieting I would imagine…sigh 

3.Eat 100 pieces of Sugar-free gum Everyday

yeah so apparently over 30 days time that adds up, and I have like 1 good tooth left..

4.Eat Frosted Flakes + Goldfish crackers + Mike & Ike candies right after a great work out, believing that the “After burn effect” would negate those calories. Newsflash: It doesn’t!

5.Eat Yogurt covered pretzels believing them to be the same as just “regular yogurt”.

Eating yogurt covered pretzels on a daily basis (and yes, sneaking handfuls from the pantry does count) is a sure fire way to remain obese. Trust me; I am speaking from recent and relevant experience here folks.

Yogurt covered anything can be considered a light snack, if by light, you mean an Anvil…

6.Apparently Peachy-O candies are not the nutritional equivalent of a regular peach. Ooops!

7.Try to go Low carb

There is no more surefire way to negate your weight loss efforts than to attempt a “low carb” diet. I normally get so ravenous for bread products after about 3 days, that I put an entire loaf of bread in the oven, butter each slice individually and sit on the kitchen floor and devour the entire lot, choking along the way.

Also, it’s hard to maintain a sense of control when you are mostly only eating meat products. It’s easy to confuse a low carb diet with one in which it’s ok to eat 30 slices of turkey “bacon” and 15 hamburger patties. Word to the wise, if you are trying to lose weight, eating 5 “sausage dogs” in one sitting is a bad idea, no matter how many “Whole grains” are supposedly in the buns!

8.Eat Protein bars/Marathon bars/Kashi bars for dinner

Keeping dinner light is a tried and true method for weight loss. However, it doesn’t work if you eat the bar too early and are still starving and start roaming through the fridge and/or pantry for back up. Even the healthiest protein bar will offer no rewards if you follow it up with ½ box cheeze-its, 12 yogurt covered pretzels( see a trend), 2 glasses of wine, 2 handfuls of grapes, 1 slice of toast, 3 girl scout cookies and a cheese wedge….just saying…

9.Drink coffee with cream and sugar in exorbitant sums throughout the day believing that this is a “Supermodel” diet habit
Well, yes this is a supermodel diet habit, except it only works if you include the cocaine and cigarettes ..sorry!

10.Insist on being the life of every party and happy hour by taking FULL Advantage of the drink specials

Heavy drinking almost always means you are leading yourself into a stupor which all but guarantees you will order at least one batch of cheese fries ( with queso, bacon, & sour cream toppings, at the very least) in which you eat alone and refuse to share, using the phrase “I’m a belligerent and possessive drunk” as a excuse

The only way to drink in excess without it affecting your weight is to be a character on Sex in the City..if you can swing that, please let me know

You will also suffer many burns on the “roof of your mouth” due to eating too fast and too soon. When the waitress says “This plate is hot”, she generally means it.


I would like say YOUR WELCOME in advance


-Tanya Jackson