How to get what you want in 2012- by Tanya Birks

How to get what you want in 2012- by Tanya Birks




A New Year , a New You! Right? LOL, Not so much. Let’s be real people, there is no difference between the “you” in 2011 and the “you” in 2012. If anything you may have gotten worse! I know I have :)..Newton's Law states that “ For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction”.. Well I prefer to go with “ For every action, there is someone refusing to take it” .

So, let’s spend less time making false claims about how we are going to be awesome in 2012 and actually start laying the groundwork for a bonafide plan. How do you make real and important changes in 2012? Lucky for you, I have some answers. While I don’t claim to be a guru on how to have a better life, I have made some tremendous changes for the better in my life since 2009 so I would like to say I gained knowledge through experience. And I would like to share that knowledge with you. Excuse my humor but I figured “straight shooting” with a dash of “comedic spicing” would make that pill called “reality” all the more easy to swallow :)

1. Understand your Limitations


Before venturing off into this great new world that we call “ 2012” it’s important to understand that there are some things you can do and others that you simply cannot. Most of us, as children, were told that we could do anything we put our minds to as long as we just tried our best and persevered. Well I am here to tell you that notion is plainly not true. Some people are meant to succeed and others simply are not. In addition, some people have the wherewithal to pull 100% from inside themselves and succeed and others, just don’t. Its why some people are billionaires and others are homeless on the street. It’s why we have celebrities that are worshipped and doctors who are complete no namers. Now, I know I sound rough and even a bit discouraging but I believe the first step in setting new years resolutions (that you can actually keep) is to understand your boundaries. If you know it’s always been hard for you to lose weight, don’t set a goal to lose 50 lbs in 2012, perhaps set a goal for 2 lbs per month, and take it month by month. Setting such lofty goals is going to lead you down the road of disappointment. If you know you aren’t even dating someone seriously, it’s best not to resolve to “Get married in 2012”. First of all, that is plain nonsense, and second of all who wants to exist for an entire year with that type of burden on their shoulders. When you are on your dates, you will be blinded and biased because of your “resolution” to marry, that scumbags will start to look eerily like Prince Charming. Be careful! Perhaps just promise yourself that you will date more regularly, put yourself out there more and take a few more risks. Keep it manageable. People get so blinded by the concept of a brand new fresh year that they quickly lose sight of reality, which can be very dangerous and not to mention, annoying. How often have you dealt with someone who you knew who was flaky and inconsistent yet continued to promise you they would actually follow through on something they said? Its horrific and a huge hassle. So instead of focusing on yourself, you have to exert energy to entertain this flow of nonsense from someone who will accomplish nothing! That brings me to my next point…



2. Be Selfish

OK, OK I know it takes a village to raise a child, but I would say it does NOT take a village to reach your new years resolutions. You want people to be vaguely aware of your goals but not so intertwined that they start to sabotage your focus. I am not one of those people who views the world through rose colored glasses ( if you can’t already tell) so I try to look on the realistic side of things versus the idealistic side of an issue. OK, so say you want to reach 5 goals in 2012 and you feel like you will do better if you have family and friends behind you. Let me tell you why this is a horrible, awful idea. First, there is jealousy. I am just gonna be honest with you here, no matter what anyone may say, when you start reaching milestones and shooting up like a star, you are going to have people who are grouchy and envious that you are succeeding. Even the ones who appear not to( yep, them too ). Being surrounded by a bunch of jealous people who are secretly hoping you fail will get you nowhere. You need a clear mind and a open heart at all times to achieve your dreams and being burdened down by the lead weight of “haters” is going to do you in. Say you are on a diet program and are out with friends. You’ve lost some weight, you are looking fit and fab and you choose to order a “Dietary meal” at the restaurant. What do you think happens next? Oh I think you know. “ Oh come on, its just one cheat meal, get something good! Don’t spoil our evening. You only live once” spouts your best bud. So then there you go, right down the slippery slope back to your old ways. Before you know you are drinking margaritas hand over fist and throwing caution to the wind. OK so this being said, it’s important to note that you must work on yourself first, and others second. Yes yes I know this sounds atrocious but this is the only way you can achieve multiple goals within the confines of 1 year’s time. Trust me. You’ve got to hunker down, develop a central focus like a laser beam and start digging deep. Now don’t get wrong, I am not saying that you must ignore others and just float through life like the Queen of Sheba, but just make sure that your own personal development is the #1 priority in your life at all given times. You want to give friends and family some information as to what you are trying to accomplish but by no means should you ever indulge them with specifics or claim that you must tell them so they can hold you “Accountable”. I must say, that word is starting to bug me. I understand that one must be held accountable for their actions at work and with their kids or whatever the primary responsibilities one has in life. However, in regards to your own personal dreams and goals, there is no one who can hold you accountable in the way that you need them to. Be accountable for yourself! There will always be some underlying and ulterior motive to these so called “Accountability partners”. At some point there will be a rift, a change, a gap or a worst of all, a competition that develops. I am not suggesting that you be racked with paranoia and distrust but keep your head on a swivel and your eyes open at all times. The same hand used to pat you on the back can just as soon slip around your throat and squeeze. So if you value your air supply, you may want to listen closely to what I am telling you. Mind your business and allow other people to mind theirs. Ok so your good friend wants to go back to school to finish their degree this year, GREAT.. your sister wants to save up money this year and go on a vacation, EXCELLENT! But what on earth has that got do with you? Nothing. Exactly. If it’s not about you, then unfortunately you must nod, smile and ease on down the road. There is supportive and then there is just plain nosy! Be careful.



3. Put it in Writing

I know this has been said over and over but I really believe in this one. Seeing a goal in writing sets it in stone and imprints the ideas into your mind. You've written it, you've seen it, so lets make it happen. Keep the list in a place where you can see it or even better, in a private journal( privacy so important!). Its important that you don't just hand write a sketchy list a, tack it on the wall and ignore it for the majority of 2012. Refer to it on a monthly basis. The best way to be sure that you don't turn your back on your goals is to break them up into 12 steps. For each goal, you must have 12 steps... yes, that would be one for each month of the year. This is key because you are able to crack your journey until into small, manageable bits and then you don't get so overwhelmed. I did this when I was planning a wedding, losing weight, working 50 jobs , oh and going to school at night for my Masters degree. I would have lost control of everything had I not given myself " to do " items for each month leading up to the events. Say for example, your New Years resolution is to " be nicer to your family". Well in that case, its trickier but still possible! Simply make a list of what you will do each month in the year to be "nicer", such as a host family event at your home, send out birthday cards on time( and have it mean something), or perhaps to attend the annual family reunion that you always strategically miss. Simple. That way you have just 1 milestone per month to hit, plus you feel a sense of accomplishment right away and don't have to wait until the end of 2012 to see the benefits from your efforts. I always find it neat to check off my items once they are done. There is something about seeing that line scratched through an item that gives me fulfillment. Maybe I am extremely sketchy, but maybe I am onto something. Breaking your goals up into smaller line items will prevent you from being overwhelmed and allow you to breath easily as you coast through 2012 feeling successful and kindly requesting that people " eat your dust!".


4. Develop a Thick Skin

Alright this point may very well be the most crucial. No one ever got anywhere in life without a bit of rejection. Understand that in order to reach your goals, you are gonna have to be ready to take a few punches..to the face. Assume that everyone in the world is out to get you and does not want you to succeed. Yes, I know this is nonsensical, but hear me out. When you go into anything, such as a job interview or acting audition, behaving as if you " have the job' is not normally suggested. You want a strong sense of confidence yet humility. If you know exactly what you are doing, and you are good at your job or craft, they will see that and you will get hired. Developing a thick skin and NOT wearing your heart on your sleeve are the surefire ways to get to the top, and fast. No one gets anywhere with a heart of gold ( life is not a Disney movie or a Pixar productions). In real life, the bitches always win. Now let me get down to the brass tacks. If you want something bad enough you have to be willing to fight for it, and by fight I mean scratch, scrape and bleed for it. None of this walking the fence, toeing the line, changing your mind and being indecisive. Put your foot down and for Gods sake, go for it! Don't take no for an answer and don't give up at the first sign of defeat. People may laugh at you, discourage you and shoot down your ideas but you have to just sit on the floor and cry for like a second, and then get up, reorganize, then plan and then plan again, if necessary. Don't get bogged down by defeat,. don't be oversensitive and over dramatic. Spend more energy on the action versus the reaction. I know this is easier said than done but I swear on my life that it works. Assume that life is like a chess game; always be thinking the next step ahead. While you are making your current move, try to anticipate life's next challenge. Assume that life is " guilty" until proven innocent. Being kind, loving and generous is great but when you are almost to the top of Mount Everest with little oxygen and hypothermia setting in, who do you think will make it to the top? The doe eyed climber with a gentle demeanor and a soft spot for others or the scrappy bearded beast of a man who would gnaw off his own arm if it meant succeeding. Sometimes you have to step outside of yourself, to improve yourself. Don't think in terms of " this makes me sad" or " she hurt my feelings when she.."or . "I Would but I am tired".. go beyond your own simple feelings and lock in on the ultimate goal. Nothing and No one should get in your way.


5. Be in the Right place at the right time

This is a good one. I would like to talk about luck and how this plays into achieving goals and being successful in 2012. I admit, I am one of those people who loves to chalk things up to "luck" as in " oh she got a promotion? well of course she got lucky cause her manager was just so happening to retire", or " oh she never has to diet and stay so thin, what luck! "... Its a never ending cycle. Now, all jokes aside, some people do truly succeed due to luck. Let's be honest, having wealthy parents gives the average child one hell of a jump start on life. No matter how crazy and egotistical your wealthy parents may be, you can bet you are going to be in a nice house, and get a great education( paid for) and also be introduced to extremely influential people who can help put you in the right places. A child from a poor family will not get the same advantages as you and therefore is having to work with what I call a " Shady deck". Rosario Dawson was sitting on the front steps of her Brownstone one day when a MOVIE PRODUCER just so happened to be walking by, loved her look and literally hired her for a feature film, like that day. Come on people, that would be sheer luck. Also Pamela Anderson was discovered when she was caught on the jumbo-tron at a football game of some kind. Randomness occurs every day. Ok so we get that, but what about the rest of us? I look at it like a game and that game is called Create Your Own Luck. This is not easy but is doable with the right guidance. Its easy to sit around and whimper and moan about how this person or that person is lucky, but while you are doing that you are missing out on your own opportunities. There are two main ways to create your own luck. The first, is to create opportunities for you to succeed. This can be done by being in the right place at the right time. I figure if you keep putting yourself in the right place at the right time, eventually something has got to stick! For example, if your goal for 2012 is to find a new man or woman in your life. However you spend most weekends at home, drinking and watching movies and hanging out with friends. While this is great, you aren't putting yourself in the right places! Make a point to be where the other single people are, even if these places aren't exactly desirable to you. Remember what I said in point #4, develop a thick skin and get beyond your basic feelings. Go to where the ladies and the men will be and keep going there until something happens, because it will. Statistically, it has to. Don't be afraid to try unconventional methods or network with coworkers and family/friends, just to see who is out there. If you sit with your head in the sand moping, Mr or Ms Perfect is going to walk right past you. Ok so the second way you can Create your own Luck is to Recognize an opportunity for what it is. This one is key, because a lot of say we were " dealt a bad hand" or " can never catch a break" when in reality, we actually have! And possibly may have caught several breaks, but were so clouded by misery or mistrust that we let those slip away. Be on the look out for signs that show you are ready to succeed. This will take work and what I like to call " pounding the pavement". For example, if you are seeking a promotion at your job and are working towards improving your numbers/impressing your boss you can use my strategy to Create Your Own Luck. You know what you boss wants, so for goodness sake, give it to him/her! Focus on work assignments that shine the best light on you( even the simple ones), take on assignments that other workers may deem undesirable and make sure to always be dressed to impress even if your work environment is casual. If this promotion is coming up, and you know you have the experience and qualifications to possible earn that, sit down and orchestrate a plan. Don't just say " well Cindy always sucks up to the boss so I know she will get it". Well them time for you to start sucking up to the boss as well. Look at your work ethic and your timing but also look at your ability to lead others and spit shine the hell out it. Come in early, stay late, volunteer for things. Just keep your face in the place! What is really the difference between you and Cindy? Is she really sucking up or is she putting in some overtime that you aren't and actually just handling her business? Make yourself indispensable and be a major player on your team at work, not just a side kick or an extra. Show your boss who is boss :)

Alright folks, that's all I have. Tough Love is the only Love I know.
If you want 2012 to be your best yet and you want to actually reach your goals, you have to be Too Legit to Quit, 365 days of the freaking year.



Best,

Tanya Birks

5 UNACCEPTABLE EXCUSES for refusing to get in shape

5 UNACCEPTABLE EXCUSES for refusing to get in shape

As someone who has previously used every excuse in the book to avoid regular workouts and eating healthy, I feel I have some ground to stand on in the area of " excuse making". I am an expert in this area, if you will.


There are a lot of reasons why a full grown adult may make lame and childish excuses in life. For example, to avoid going back to finish a college degree, to not have any more kids( or to have more kids), to get out of cleaning and cooking at home or to exercise and eat right on a regular basis. Considering that there is a solid obesity epidemic going around in the great U S of A, I would say the highest item on that list (exercising) is the biggest problem. People just hate it. What do people hate more than exercising? You guessed it, eating right!
There are a lot of myths to getting fit that the average person believes in, holds fast to and continues to live by. Its easier to hold on to silly myths and to falsely categorize yourself than it is to face the music, implement changes and start kicking butt. The worst thing we can do is pass on false information so that the truth never comes to the surface. I am here to extend some valuable truths to the masses! By no means am I a nutritionist, personal trainer or health guru, but I do know bullshit when I step in it. You get my meaning? And to be frank with you, the stench is hitting my nose with a vengeance these days.
Out of all of the shenanigans I have heard in regards to why a person allegedly " will never be fit", I have narrowed it down to only the top 5 for the sake of brevity and to further drive in my point. For every excuse there is an explanation. If we could redirect the excuse making energy into some sweat making energy, and the world will be a better place. Now let me go into detail.....


1. " I've just always been a big person. My body is not meant to be small"


This excuse has got to be one of the most nonsensical out there. How do you know what your body is meant to be? Have you spoken with a doctor and did he/she confirm that you, in fact, have a minimum and maximum weight limit set for your lifetime? No possible way. We have all watched The Biggest Loser where 400 lb people have been whittled down to size 4 and size 6 clothing sizes over the course of a few months. I wonder how many of them, prior to the show, swore that they would " never be small". My guess would be, ALL of them. Now look at yourself, if you are seriously overweight, or maybe just slightly heavier than you would like, do you think for you to get toned and fit like them it would take near as much time and as much work? No, it sure wouldn't. If a 350 lb lady can get to single digit sizes, then surely a 150 or 200 lb lady can as well, and probably in more healthfully of a way. Everyone knows The Biggest Loser situation isn't realistic or ideal because it is a TV show and operates within a controlled environment. Us "regular" folks can get in shape the same way, just will require a little more will power and focus and of course, a little more time. That's all it takes. In addition to this, I hear the excuse of genetics. Such as " My parents are large, so I am meant to be larger. I can't control my genetics". Yes, you would be correct. You can't control your genetic makeup but you can work hard to beat it into oblivion. Science has proven that heavy people are often genetically predisposed to gain weight more easily and genetics also dictates when and where you gain that weight. However, what the genetics studies don't tell you is that you can fight it, and you can win. A "predisposal to gain weight" is all that it is,a predisposal.. its not a guarantee to gain weight nor is it set in stone. Jessica Alba would be a good celebrity example. She has been very vocal in articles and interviews about how she has heavy family members and her mom loves to "throw down" in the kitchen. She understands that is the direction she can go if she is not careful, but she isn't throwing in the towel and giving up just because. That makes no sense. If anything, understanding your genetics helps you make a plan for your health and gives you a major advantage. Its like playing a football team whose tapes you have watched and you know their every move before they make it. Having a genetic tendency to be larger only means you have to work twice as hard as the average thin-pin and actually pay attention to what you eat. You do not need to starve or be lunatic-like at the gym, you just cant treat life like one big party/buffet or you will most certainly blow up. As someone who puts on weight really easily, I can personally attest that simply "paying more attention" to what you eat and planning out exercises each week can help the body maintain a more desirable weight regardless of genetics. If I eat bad foods and don't work out, I get heavy, and if I eat healthy 80% of the time and workout steady, I stay fit.,There are no tricks or secrets to this, simply proper planning and of course, science.

2. "I love food. I just really love to eat! Sorry"


This excuse is laughable. The fact that someone loves food should have no bearing on having a lifestyle of fitness or not. If anything this should spur a person forward into fitness. You eat crappy, so you are gonna wanna work out to edge off those spare calories. I love food, fatty foods. True, I can't indulge whenever I want but I certainly do indulge. Being healthy and fit does not mean cutting out everything you love. In fact, programs like Weight Watchers allows to eat all the foods you love, every day, just within moderation and in certain preset portions. My current diet plan allows for flexibility on the weekends and a more strict regiment during the weeks. During the week, I can stay on plan because I know on Saturday I will be chomping on pizzas or whatever may tickle my fancy. Food is not out for the count. A healthy lifestyle is not polarized. You aren't in or out! There is a middle ground. It may take years to find that perfect balance, but thats ok, lets just do that. I get so personally frustrated with this excuse because I LOVE food. Literally sometimes I cry when a craving hits me on a Wednesday or Thursday that I can't fulfill. Yes, sometimes it sucks and its not easy, and no, I can't sit around eating brownies around the clock, but you get used to it. I promise. At least try. And I don't mean a sketchy month or two, I mean REALLY try.


3. "I don't have the time, I am too busy"


My goodness, here we go again? No time. You want to know what kind of people I hear this one from? The people who go to bars every night with their friends, go shopping on their lunch break or or have time to watch 100 shows stacked up on their DVRs. I am wondering, hmmm, how do you have time for all that, but not even 30 minutes to take a walk around the block or time to wake up prior to going to work to do a 15 minute exercise video? Interesting. This type of excuse is so difficult to refute because people who use this one swear on their LIFE that they absolutely do not have the time to work out. It has been proven that a person can lose weight through proper diet alone. So technically a person could just eat healthy and never work out and actually get more fit, to some degree. Eventually you will have to add in exercise in order to tone lose skin and to get the fire burning again in your metabolism! The reason this excuse is truly null and void is because "any working out" is better than " no working out". So technically you could eat healthy and walk around your office building during lunch and that counts. Oh yes it does. I work two jobs and I travel often with my career and I still work out, so I challenge anyone to explain to me how they simply do not have even 15-30 minute spare minutes on any 3 days of any given week ? That is BS and we all know it. You don't want to work out, because you hate it. I would respect the honest truth more so than some fantasy created in your head to fool yourself. " oh why yes, I am far too busy for the gym..see you at happy hour!" .. lol. Goodness! I wish I was joking but this is real life stuff here people. Even if you have kids, no excuse. Do an at home tape in the mornings before they wake up, or even better, have them watch you and cheer you on. Instill some fitness into their lives at an early age.What would that hurt? Heck most gyms have a nice kids club where you can leave your kids for an hour or so while you get your sweat on. Try something on your lunch hour while you are at work. I used to run the stairs at the convention across the street from my job for just 20 minutes during lunch on days that I knew I wouldnt get any other work out in. I didnt feel bad because I knew it was better than nothing.

4. "I've had kids, my body is destroyed, it will never be fit again"

You know what's great about this excuse ? The moms who say this generally have not tried very hard to get fit and have given their lives over 100% to their kids. Any psychology journal you read today will attest that this is an unwise choice. And yes, this is a choice! A mom must carve out time in her week to take care of her own health and well being.Obese people have shorter lifespans and more serious health problems. How can you be there for your kids if you simply no longer exist ? Healthy moms live longer and have more energy to keep up with a dozen crazy kids! Ok I get it, you've had a baby and your body has warped beyond recognition. Well get this, the sooner you get back in shape after the birth, the better the shot you have at getting back to pre pregnancy shape or better. I have fellow Beachbody coaches ladies who all have 3 kids or more who now have 6 pack stomachs even firmer than before getting pregnant. They had no surgery or special procedures. You can't just go on a crash diet for a few weeks, fail and then give up by claiming that "you tried ".. You most certainly did not! "Trying" is putting in a good solid year of steady and serious exercise and minding your diet to the letter. 12 months. Moms can reclaim their figures and feel good about themselves . Time will tell. I plan to use myself as an example when I turn into a preggie giant and then document my journey back to fitness. I intend to practice what i preach. Working out can retrain your muscle and toning like pilates and bodypump can tighten up loose skin. The body can be trained and then retrained ! This is proven stuff people. Sitting back , eating comfort foods and blaming it all your baby is the lazy, easy way out and that makes me mad. Sure some tummies will not be 100% tight like if you were a teenager but why not get it to its best possible point ? They even make exercise tapes where you use your baby as a weight! And you lift and firm! Women have been getting pregnant for all time, getting fat and then slimming Down again. Yes, some take 3 months and others 3 years , but it's not a contest as long as you get the job done. Do work and keep doing work and the body will listen. Studies show that fit moms are happier, healthier, smarter and more focused. You can be the best supermom ever plus wear cute jeans too! I'm loving the sound of that plan.


5. "I don't have the money for expensive trainers, gym memberships or fitness videos"


Really? Spare me. This excuse, I saved for last because I work as a coach for team Beachbody and I do help people with diet plans but I also promote the awesome products( products that I personally buy and use myself ). To be frank, Beachbody products aren't cheap and require a person who is serious about fitness and ready to make an investment in themselves.
I know people who desperately want to get fit but wave my advances because it's all " too expensive" and then go on lavish vacations , high dollar shopping sprees or buy the latest gadget ( iPhone 4s !!). I say all that to say that we all do have the money to dedicate to fitness we just would rather spend it elsewhere. How can you invest in material items week after week, spending hundreds on various items yet neglect what matters most ? Your own health. That's like your doctor telling you that you have a heart condition and you decline the expensive meds in order to go on a vacation. Seriously ?

Gym memberships offer specials year round and there are little mom and pop gyms on every block that cost $9 per month to be a member. Sure it's not fancy or exciting but neither is an untimely and unexpected demise ! You don't need a personal trainer and you don't ,technically, need a gym membership to get in shape. You can work out at home doing fitness DVDS or walking around your neighborhood running trail/jogging track.
There are ways around the costs. For example a friend of mine purchased a workout DVD from me and split the cost with her friend and they do the workouts together. Sure it would have been nice for me had they both purchased but at the end of the day, I care about my friends fitness and I was happy they were so clever to split instead of just telling me no ! I even saw fitness videos for rent at the public library. Talk about free? I am a huge advocate of Shakeology, a nutritional shake that provides for weight loss ( of course) but also boosts energy and mood and includes every vitamin and nutrient known to man. The price point is higher than most but so are the benefits. I have seen tremendous changes in myself just from a few months on Shakeology. I get so frustrated because I see people spend $100 on new boots that they may wear once or twice or blow $60 + on bar tabs every other night but then not be able to " have the funds" to support their own well being. ( insert frown face here). Excuse me for sounding edgy or angry but I just can't believe I am sitting here with the tools to provide potential fitness and happiness to everyone who desires it around me and the matter of money is stopping them. Its not a matter of money, its simply a matter of prioritizing. It may take a few months to get your mind right, reorganize your thoughts and your budget and then come back to me and WE can get you in shape. And rather fast, if I may so myself!


Regular People, like you and me, can get in shape. That is a fact. People who don't even have two working arms and two good legs are running marathons, completing triathlons and even playing basketball. And you are telling me you don't have what it takes to do jog/walk a couple of laps around your neighborhood block on a nice Saturday morning?


I call bullshit :)





-Tanya Birks




Learn about Shakeology here!

www.myshakeology.com/Tri2BfitT

15 Things Black girls Love to do on facebook

15 Things Black Girls Love to do on facebook

1. Change relationship status from “ Single” to “Its Complicated” and back to “Single”, all within 1 week’s time and act like nothing ever happened.
2. Post self photographs that are taken with a visible camera phone in the bathroom with lips pursed, eyes low and back arched
3. Go to work out and post on facebook “Getting my FINE on!”
4. Post facebook on Saturday night talking about the Club and then another update on Sunday morning talking about praising the Lord in Church
5. Post a photo of a pair of new designer boots then put a status update the next day saying “ Damn, I am broke! “
6. Post 100 YouTube videos( in a row) of “old school” hits featuring Boys II Men, Brandy, Monica, Tyrese or Jodeci
7. Make random shout outs to Grandmother and/or mother on a daily basis “ I love my Mama! She holds me down”
8. Talk about their kids and constantly post photos of said kids on the news feed, praising them on accomplishments that really aren’t that big of a deal “ My baby Terrell got Perfect Attendance!” or “ My Neisha just made the 15th string of the Volleyball team”….
9. Put consistent strings of bible verses, religious acclamations and/or lyrics from church songs
10. Post steady status updates about the current love life. No matter how sketchy the guy is.. “ I love how my baby knows JUST how to take care of me” or “ Damn, I love my boo"
11. Post passive-aggressive status updates meant to take a stab at whatever girlfriend they are hating on at the current time. “You think you can trust a person until they STAB in you the back and won’t take responsibility for their actions!”
12. Put creepy personalized status updates directed towards hot celebrities as if they know them “ Happy Birthday Beyonce! I hope your day is fabulous” or “ Congratulations on your baby. We love you!”
13. Post photos by random vehicles while wearing heels with bottom lifted up and out and looking over shoulder.
14. Put random photos of new hairstyles, shoes, clothes, jewelry, etc etc
15. Use excessive amounts of slang and profanity in status updates without blinking an eye

Mother May I?- Why all Mothers are Better than YOU!

Mother May I?- Why all Mothers are Better than YOU!

They say the true purpose of a blog is to rant and rave about various topics. If “they” are correct, please consider this here to be a true blog. Some people express their feelings to friends or significant others, some write in a private journal and others may use facebook or twitter as a platform. I prefer blogging and if I have an idea to discuss or a situation that so moves me, I will blog. As a woman of almost 30 ( I’m too young to start lying about my age, fortunately), I would like to hit home on the topic of motherhood and to discuss odd characteristics of mothers that I have run into during the last 5 years of my life. As more and more people around me become mothers, I am noticing several dynamics among them that I don’t necessarily care for. Anyone who knows me, understands that I can be critical, sarcastic and snarky (at best) and that if I place my blogging aim in your direction, you better watch out ( ha ha kidding!). All jokes aside, this “motherhood” epidemic has become a very serious and very real threat to mankind. You may be asking yourself now, why is this a problem? Are you just jealous Tanya because you don’t have kids? What is your problem you tyrannical bitch? ….Calm yourself people, simply hear me out. I promise I will not let you down on this point. There are a distinct set of changes that a woman goes through once she has a child (besides the obvious) that I feel must be discussed and analyzed. No one analyzes tomfoolery the way I do! Just saying. I look forward to being a mom, hopefully sooner rather than later, so I feel I have a right to delve deeper into these mysteries in life before I take the plunge. I think that anyone who has a friend, cousin, sister or coworker who has become pregnant, birthed the child and lived to tell about it, can relate to this blog and may even find it in their stone cold hearts to chuckle a little. Generally once a regular, normal, funny, energetic and loving young lady becomes a mother they are no longer the same person and I think it’s only fair to let my fellow human beings in on a few observations I have made on “ muthas”….Now let me elaborate…

1. Mothers – Well, they are just simply better than you!

Motherhood. It’s a simple notion really. You get pregnant, you have a baby, and you live happily ever after right? No one ever talks about the plight of those around you and what they must endure once you become “ All a-glow”. Getting down to the brass tacks of this matter, I must say that mothers tend to have a very smug and critical demeanor about them especially in regards to non-mothers and even worse, to other mothers. I’ve been told there is an unspoken competition among mothers who happen to be friends or those mothers who run in the same circles. Everyone wants to be the “best” mother and happily noses around in everyone’s business pointing out their flaws and errors in order to maintain that title. If you don’t have a kid you are worthless, you know nothing about life, and frankly, you are dull and offer very little to the world. Any positive trait you may possess as a non-mother can quickly be squashed by any mom you speak to within a 10 mile radius. Are you in shape? Well sure you are, you haven’t had a kid stretch your figure to the outer limits. Are you perky and energetic ? Well sure you are, you haven’t had a kid suck the life out of you yet. Do you go on vacations? Well sure you do because you don’t have the old miniature balls and chains clamping you firmly to the ground like a 100 year old headstone. If you are a non-mom, don’t you dare try to complain about life because you have NO idea what real problems are. In fact, when I hang around a gang of mothers I make a point to keep my eyes to the ground, my hands clasped firmly in front of me, and I certainly do not speak unless spoken to. ( I figure being black and childless is two strikes, and well, one more and I am certainly out!)

While working an event with two younger girls (ages 22 and 24) they both revealed that they had kids , were in school, also still very single and living with their parents(natch). My first thought, was oh wow, these girls are some young mamas. I explained to them that I was 29 and did not have kids at this point (by choice) but that I was recently married to a great guy and that we definitely hoped to have a family soon. Even though I was the clear winner in this situation, they looked at me with sympathy as if to say “ hmm, the old hag hasn’t got what it takes has she? A pity, really, she’s got birthin hips for sure…”. I sat there laughing on the inside thinking, are they really serious with this? And to answer my question, their eyes leveled at my midsection as if to solemnly inspect my one “good egg” and prayerfully hope for the best. By the way, young girls think 30 is really really old, therefore hold fast to the notion that “older” women have a shaky reproductive system and all pine away for that child. Over the course of 5 minutes time two young wayward college girls mentally placed themselves on a pedestal above me only because they were moms and I was not. This is happening all over the country and its not stopping anytime soon. This is serious people. I feel that only through informing the public can something ever be done about this growing problem.


2. All knowing and Glowing- Motherhood


So apparently having a child gives you sudden infinite wisdom in line with that of the Dahli Lama. I have never met a mother who did not feel as if she possessed all the worldly intelligence of MENSA and NASA combined. I dare someone to argue me down on that. OK first let me lend credit where credit is due. Mothers are really awesome and hard working, they really are. Don’t let me subtract worth however let’s be realistic here. Girls who are 13 and 14 are having babies, so we can clearly see there is no educational requirement as a part of the motherhood application process. No one is going to get me to subscribe to the belief that simply birthing a kid produces a sudden and profound wisdom. Ok so possibly some instincts kick in, but discovery channel tells us that instincts also kick in for a mother penguin, kangaroo and silver back gorilla, and I don’t see them performing open heart surgery, do you? I do wish that mothers would be more realistic and a bit more understanding to us non -mothers. Its a tough world as it is for us non-mommies now we've got to deal with the gloating glares of our mommy friends with their " matching outfits" for them and their daughter, trips to soccer practice for their sons and not to mention their endless complaints about their kids ( but don't say anything bad about their kids or family or you are in big trouble, only they can complain!). When these complaints come out, just nod meaningfully and quote scripture. ( works every time, trust me on this). A mother just simply knows best ( in their minds), there is just no other way to put it in plainer terms.

I believe when a woman has a child or two, her whole world happily begins to revolve around that family and she may forget that there are other life forms out there (you know, like the whole of mankind?) and the world does continue to spin on its axis and still remains round. And other people do continue to exist quite happily, and in the same way as they did before your screeching baby harp seal made its entrance into the world. I get that perhaps you see the world through different eyes as a mother and perhaps your priorities begin to shift but by no means are you able to put down your janitor's jumpsuit and start writing out algorithms on the chalkboard of an east coast ivy league university. If I had a penny for every time I heard " oh sweetie, just wait until you have a child..then you'll understand", I would have Bill Gates mopping my floors.

3. A "Fit” mom – welcome to your worst nightmare

Being in shape is a key component of most young and older women’s lives. Hell, it’s a topic that I can go on and on about. In relation to the matter of motherhood, it’s even more of a hot topic. I would say the most agitating situation to face is a mother who is extremely fit when you (a non-mother) are a few pounds shy of a metric ton. Not to beat a dead horse, but I would like to reiterate that mothers come standard with a superiority complex and gilded outlook on life. Now let’s see, we have mother plus muscular and shapely? Well, just sign me up for the shame spiral now, will save us all some time later. There is no more daunting of a moment than when you leave your favorite gym class and that skinny, flat tummied, lean legged lady who was in front of you ( the one with the high kick and the “ no water break” mentality) casually goes to the kids club to pick up her 5 week old infant. So after picking your jawbone up off the floor, you can then begin to ponder your worthless and unshapely existence. You may wonder, how can such a new mother be so slim and sleek, and most importantly, so damn flexible? Aren’t new mothers supposed to be weary and war-torn? Bags under their eyes AND under their midsection? Certainly not light on their feet and doing helicopter kicks in cardio class. Well, those are the days of old. Mothers these days are hip, hot and most importantly, super fit. There is a new thing going around where mothers purposely watch what they eat while pregnant in order to only gain the recommended amount. Que? What happened to the good old days when being preggers meant taking up residence at an all you can eat buffet for 9 months? This doesn’t bode well for my food loving self, I diet all the time , and now when I get pregnant I have to continue to diet in order to maintain a “preggy size 4” and wear non-maternity 7 for all Mankind jeans just because I can? Lord help us all. I want to eat pudding around the clock, set tubs of Ben and jerry on my huge stomach, lick juices from between my fat sausage-like fingers and stare sympathetically at non-preggies who have to watch their figures. So the one time in life we get to have a food free-for-all has now been taken away and replaced with 9 additional months of “getting” to eat both broccoli AND carrots in one sitting because we are “ eating for 2”. Mothers these days are getting fit fast after pregnancy and if you aren’t able to do that then be prepared to eat their dust ( and I mean literally, eat dust, so you can lose 50 lbs in 6 weeks like they do!). Its hard on us non-moms because you think of how hard it is to lose weight as it is and find time to work out, you think of how much harder than will be when you have a 10 lb leech attached to your milk bladders! The cockiest and most despicable of all mothers are of the thin, fit, in shape, 6 pack wielding, bicep flexing sort. Nothing more disheartening than being on the Stairmaster for 10 minutes gasping for breath ( on the slowest speed, nonetheless) and finally getting into your stride to turn to the machine to your left to find Mommy Dearest herself going at twice your pace, sweating half as much all while nursing her young in public, firming up plans with the babysitter on her cell phone and cleaning a Christmas ham.

-Tanya Birks

Non-Mother Extraordinaire

Aging Gracefully: 29 and Not So divine

Since turning 29 on August 6th, I’ve contemplated the idea of aging and how the avoidance of aging has literally taken the world by storm. Particularly, the female population.

I get it though, we don’t want to get older and we certainly don’t want to look older. I suppose I am not scared of appearing older but I am afraid of the pressures and expectations that come with age. With youth you get a certain amount of “Free passes” and people are willing to shrug off the most ridiculous of your indiscretions due to “youth” and “immaturity”. However once you reach that “Certain Age” all bets are off.

I’d like to discuss that “certain age” when things begin to change, expectations begin to heighten and crow’s feet creep up and start to call the corners of your mouth “home”.

The following areas of your life change dramatically ( and annoyingly)as you round the corner of “30” and I would like to shed some light on what to expect while “aging”


1. Career – you are supposed to “be somebody” by now right?

The only other time that your career matters more than when you first graduate from college and are starting your professional journey would be when you are about to hit age 30. When we are young we are filled with delusions of grandeur and believe that age 30 is this magical and mystical age where everything in our life will come neatly together and all loose ends will simply tie themselves. I think that by the time we hit age 25 is when we start to shift our eyes and realize that maybe age 30 isn’t the end-all be-all we believed it to be. In our late 20’s, no other part of our lives defines us more thoroughly than our profession or career choice. When you date, when you speak with family or when you do nearly anything the first question a person will ask you is “what do you do for a living?” If you have a sketchy answer for that question you can basically prepare yourself for a decade (at least) of scrutiny and questions like “so what precisely do you mean by outside sales?” It’s a harsh world out there for our generation because of the horrible economy and the unemployment crisis. Gone are the days when a bachelor’s degree and a smile was enough to get you through the door of a major corporation and comfortably on your way up the corporate ladder. In this day and age, all a Bachelor’s Degree will promise you is one sweet paper weight. The worst thing about having your career totally define you is when things didn’t go quite “how you planned” at some point during your 20’s causing your life plan to completely derail you are in for some turbulence. Anyone who doesn’t understand what I am talking about, kindly close out of this blog and move about with your life. We’ve all had roadblocks get in the way of our professional success which could be being laid off, a sick relative, dropping out of school, having a baby…and the list goes on and on. However, no one , and I mean no one, really gives a flying crud about those alleged “roadblocks” when they hear you are age 30 and ask you what you do for a living and you say “ oh, a little bit of this and a little bit of that” or “ how much do you know about screen-printing?”. No matter which way you try to spin this, it will not fly. Trust me, I have been there, boy have I been there. The bottom line is that by the time you are 30, you are supposed to be established in some legitimate line of work with a fair amount of education and experience under your belt. No other situation is considered acceptable at this point by your family and peers. Period. With the only exception being if you are stay at home mom, but we will get to that can of worms a bit later.

2. Keeping up with the Jones’- you still live in an apt? Oh...well that’s cute.

Its happened to the best of us. We wake up one day, feeling light on our feet, refreshed, healthy and confident about our day. We have a productive day at work, we are having a great hair day and we even meet a new guy in the elevator. At happy hour that evening, is when things, well it’s when things take a turn for the worst. At happy hour, lurk our friends and colleagues with a plethora of stories to tell about their family, career and kids. Nothing to knock you squarely off your high horse like a 30 year old guy sitting with his 23 year old fiancée wearing her size 2 pants and flashing her 2 carat rock. Suddenly your good hair day does not seem like such a big deal. Your whole day of feeling fresh, cute and clean goes muddling down the proverbial drain. What a hot mess right? Let me clarify my point. When we get closer to 30, the urge to compare our lives to our peers grows exponentially and there is nothing we can do about that. Even the most kind and considerate person can’t turn a blind eye when a friend gets a new house or moves on to a new stage in life. We don’t always speak on It and we don’t always act on it but the emotions and feelings are consistently there. And to add insult to injury, once you hit this age you must pretend to be happy for these other people no matter how you really feel. If you don’t care, or if you makes you jealous or unhappy you pretty much have to put on a happy face and fight through it. And you can only imagine the havoc that reeks on your mental condition. So on a night where you may be desiring to feel sorry for yourself and wanting to sit on your kitchen floor, eat pizza and drink wine you have to spruce up and go to another bachelorette party, baby shower or wedding reception. You are expected to be there, look good, bring a gift and by golly, be damn well excited about it. Ah, welcome to our 30s.

3. Crunch Time- your figure looks great….for an older woman…


It’s hard to meet a woman of late 20s or early 30s who isn’t working on her figure or thinking about working on her figure, or just downright obsessed with her figure. In your 20s it’s hard enough to accept the realization that you can’t just eat everything, drink all night and never work out, but when you get to age 30 you have to consider new factors, such as gravity. Most of us unfortunately do get larger as we get older and our body shapes just tend to be come, well, rather unfortunate. Clothes don’t fit the same, shoes hurt your feet when they didn’t use to and your hair just doesn’t ever seem to have the same bounce and shine it once did. It’s like every part of you is staging a mutiny. Even the genetically thin out of our group don’t feel up to par like they once did. Everything you eat seems to stick, and casual exercise no longer works the way it once did. You have to face reality and revamp your entire fitness routine and diet, and this is just to break even. Don’t even think about trying to lose weight unless you are mentally and physically prepared to wage a full scale war against genetics and Mother Nature. It’s an uphill battle that even the most ambitious among us often lose. To be in the early 20s is to be lithe and taut with no worries about calories and carbs and cardio! We start to edge into our mid20s and late 20s and the boobs sit lower, the upper arm flaps in the wind and the butt starts a “downward facing dog” trend. The problem comes in because when you are 28, 29 or 30 you are technically still very young on a general scale so you are still held to the same standard of beauty and fitness as someone who is 21, 22 or 23. You can see how this can be unfair. Your metabolism is not the same as age 21, nor is the quality of your skin or hair. You just generally have more problems as you get older unless you are a celebrity like Halle Berry, who has millions of dollars to spend on NASA sleep tanks which restore your skin and muscles and Human growth hormone shots that literally make you wake up as an infant. Average women just don’t have those “perks” in life. My point is that as we get to age 30 and up, you can be prepared to start watching your diet and spending major time in the gym if you care to avoid wearing the standard mom jeans (* do not have to actually be a mom to wear mom jeans) and flannel pull overs.

4. Getting older has a ring to it- Dating and Marriage

Probably one of the largest causes of stress and turmoil for us at late 20s and early 30s Is the development of a solid relationship which ultimately leads to a marriage situation. This is another issue which I believe is very much unique to our generation. In the “old days”, a woman met a man in college and immediately married and had a child. This all would happen rather quickly. These days its common for a woman to date loosely in college, focus on her career only after graduation and then contemplate settling down around age 25. The ultimate problem with this frame of thought is that by the time you care to settle down all the “good ones” are allegedly “gone”. If you are pretty and have a good career with at least a fair personality people will wonder what is “wrong” with you if you haven’t settled down by age 30, even If its actually by your own choice. I think dating gets harder and more frustrating the older we get because we are more set in our ways and far less tolerant of certain quirks and behavioral issues. When we are in our teens and 20s, dating is more fun and carefree because we “ don’t know what we want” and our still learning who we are. When you are 27 or so, you are pretty well aware of who you are and are far pickier in regards to who you will accept as a partner. Normally when you are looking at men who are around age 30 they will have kids, maybe have been married before and have a whole boatload of mental problems or hang ups that they have accumulated over the last three decades that you now have to contend with. It’s much more difficult to mold and shape a man when he is firmly set in his beliefs and established some really bad habits. So not only do you have to duck and dive the “stigma” of being single at age 30, you have to face your parents who may be eyeing you skeptically, your friends marrying up and popping out kids, but now you’ve got to face a water thin population of men your age and hope you can find the one who isn’t a convicted felon. Dating at an older age is a circus and if it wasn’t, there wouldn’t be so many damn reality shows about it.


5. Family Matters- What do you mean you don’t have kids yet?

Ah, Motherhood. The holy grail of our 30s. Right? Hmm, perhaps not. If society says you are supposed to go to college at age 18, and marry at 23, then it sure as heck dictates that you damn well better have a baby (or two) by age 30. Preferably one boy and one girl. Blond hair and blue eyes ( and yes this applies even if you are black, so you better figure out a way to make it happen). Society can be a bit of beast, if I may say so myself. This situation hits home whether you are in a relationship or not, the desire for a woman to have a child grows stronger with age. This is one I cannot deny. So not only do you feel internal pressure ( you know from your eggs) but also external pressure from family ,friends and the media. Ugh. What a nightmare. Even if you don’t want a kid or are happily married with no desire for some blood sucking rug rat to mess up your expensive accent walls and bleed your bank account dry. The expectation is there and it remains and lingers like a monkey on your back. I’ve known mothers to even give a look of pity to their non-mother friends for no reason at all other than the fact that the “ poor soul” doesn’t know the “joy” of motherhood. This is complete nonsense, of course, but you cant tell any mothers that! If you truly want kids and just don’t or can't have them, that’s bad enough, but then when you compound this problem with the “holier than thou” attitude of all the mothers around you, you have a real situation on your hands. As if reaching into your 401K account to afford the gifts for all the baby showers and “presentation luncheons" isn’t taxing enough, you have to shove down forkful after forkful of shame at the hands of lactating and pretentious mothers and even worse “ mothers-to-be”. I have never met a mother who didn’t believe that you don’t know anything about “life” until you’ve bore a child. It’s a completely illogical notion yet they all stand by it with centrifugal force. I hate to say this, but its almost more acceptable to be an age 30 mother of two on welfare than it is a female CEO of a major corporation with no husband and no kids..... “ well I know she has a good job but good God I’ve heard she’s only got an egg or two left…my Lord, if she isn’t careful….”…...


As if aging due to natural causes wasn’t a strain enough on your confidence, we can see that there are a number of external (i.e. unnatural) issues that may cause one’s crow’s feet to pluralize with the quickness. Ok so you’re 30, you’ve got to be smart as a whip, accomplished as a CEO, thin as a reed, energetic as a battery, friendly and social as a bee, upwardly mobile, excessively talented, a great cook, a perfect wife, a prim housekeeper, churchgoing, and most importantly, a loving and obsessively doting mother of no less than 100 kids. See, not so horrible right? Eek! Help! I don’t know about you guys but I am dead tired and the older I get the more exhausted I get. Heck, I may even have developed carpal tunnel just typing this blog.

5 Traits about women that have attracted Men for years ( that don’t work anymore!)

I don’t claim to be an expert on relationships but I do know a thing or two from experience (both good and bad). As I head toward age 30 I have kept a watchful and critical eye on my single friends who are in the dating world and the type of men they interact with. By the same token, I have paid close attention to the married/engaged/long term couples I know and the dynamic that exists between the two. I also have analyzed the personality traits and behavior of the coupled women versus the traits of the singletons. I have tried to make some parallels and also do some pros and cons. There was once a time when being married was the rare and undesirable position and being one of a large pack of single ladies was the norm and “the hot thing to be”. As time goes on, I see the tables are turning. And not in the way you might think. The group of singletons is still just as large and marriage is elusive to many women both young and old. There are some singletons who will swear they love singlehood ( lie) and have no desire to get married ( lie) and that they actually sympathize for those who are desperate and looking for love ( also a lie). I think the first step to actually finding real love is admitting that you are , in fact, openly looking for it! What spurred me to write this blog is that I have this oddly large number of awesome friends and acquaintances that are single with little to no prospects as we look at age 30 and even age 40. By awesome, I mean professional, pretty, smart, sociable…you name it, they got it. The number of singles is growing as divorce percentages keep going up and up. So there aren’t just other standard singletons to contend with there is now a plethora of divorced ladies who statistically have a better chance of getting married a second time than an unmarried has a chance at a first! Yikes. What could be wrong with this picture, you ask? I believe I may have a potential answer. A few months ago I had an idea after doing some people watching at the mall. I noticed that there were a great deal of average looking young ladies in couples and then every now and then I would see large wild packs of super hot beauties (no man in sight) dressed to the nines. The wheels in my head started turning. After this, I started to talk to single friends about their dating fiascos and experiences; I read some articles online and in advice magazines. On the other hand, I spoke with my coupled friends and married friends and I quietly took note of their behaviors. It has come to my attention that what men are looking for has changed and what women think men are looking for is completely skewed. To be fair, Men are misleading to us about what they want. Obviously, we notice how men often drool at hot women with big busts and sweet bodies or they think ditzy is really cute. Also Men say they don’t want to have to take care of a woman and they want an awesome corporate diva that makes “her own money”. We get these signals day in and day out via the media, books, and personal situations and even in movies. So of course a “single lady” is going to end up going down the wrong road and end up alone. For example, it seems like a lot of single young ladies adhere to the many concepts that Beyonce presents to us in her music.( Beyonce, who is clearly Harvard educated in psychology right?) What we fail to realize is that Beyonce super duper rich, is happily married to a Gazillionaire and oh yeah; she totally has a “ring on it” (one the size of Mars by the way). Beyonce has no issues saying whatever is necessary in a song to boost sales (whether it be to your romantic detriment or not) and get a whole bunch of single ladies digging their own graves. Beyonce is not a troubled singleton trying to find Mr. Right, nor has she ever been so why on earth must we cling blindly to her “anthems”? Based on my research it would seem like following any advice that Beyonce offers up in a song would send you on a one way train to Cat Lady-ville in a New York minute.

My point is no matter what men say they want, we have to be on our toes and look deeper. If you have male friends, think about what type of women they end up with ( the proof is normally in the pudding). Appearances can be deceiving. I know we all say that, but no really, they can be. Think about the age old tale where a woman dates a man for 10 years and he won’t commit to marriage only to leave her and date someone (who is her complete opposite) for 6 months and instantly put a ring on that woman’s finger.

I would like to discuss 5 traits that a lot of single women have that used to catch the attention of men but no longer do. Women hone these traits in order to present themselves as a “great catch” when it may be doing them a substantial disservice. I have devised this list based on research and through my own personal experiences, friends and situations. Take from it what you will (hopefuilly a good laugh!)




5 Traits that No longer Mean a damn thing to Men:


1. Being Hot

It’s no secret that men love a great body on a woman. They love to look at them in movies, magazines, videos or anything else that has likelihood to produce a perfect female form. The assumption is that men love big boobs, a round and tight bottom, slim and toned thighs and preferably long luxurious hair (oh and don’t forget, they must be super young too). Men are obsessed with and only want to marry the hot hot girls. Right? I would disagree. Naturally, us average women are going to immediately adhere to the notion that we must try to copycat those supermodel looks and spend unlimited amounts of time, money and energy trying to be “hot” by putting on buckets of make up and hair products and trendy clothes. Now don’t misunderstand my usage of the word “hot”. I don’t just mean pretty, cute, or beautiful. I mean along the lines of Brooklyn Decker, Halle Berry, and Charlize Theron…Exotic beauties that cast fear the in the very hearts of men with one single glance. Back in the day (as in 2008), being “hot” was the ultimate trump card! Good looks meant you could write your own ticket in life for anything you wanted. Now? not so much. It doesn’t take a psychologist to look around and see that many average looking young ladies are happily married to a loving husband and reproducing while many very beautiful ladies are sitting at home alone counting their remaining eggs and singing lullabies to thin air like lunatics. Looks no longer matter. Let me repeat. Looks no longer matter. A man may read this and disagree with a vengeance, but I can’t renig on what I have said and too much research simply proves otherwise. I am not saying that all men dig ugly chicks, but I will say that a man can be intimidated by a bomb ass Betty. A man may never admit to this but I have seen it right before my eyes. Imagine the scene, a rich attractive lawyer hesitates to approach a super gorgeous gal at the bar because she is drop dead in her looks, her body is untouchably perfect and not to mention she is surrounded by 100 other girls that look just like her. What guy is diving into that wasps nest? Well not a sober one, that’s for sure. I say all this to say, that at the end of the day a man seeks a wife who is going to take care of home, produce and raise offspring, make him look good and be his partner in life. A decent looking lady with a reasonable figure (a few spare pounds aren’t a deal breaker these days) and a nice sweet smile can take you a lot further. Not every guy can handle a lifetime of playing second fiddle to some Heidi Klum look-a-like, so most won’t even take their chances. Make things easier for yourself and for your potential new man by going to the grocery store every now and then, but you know, not dressed like Ru Paul. Guys love the girl next door and have no problem wifing up Amy McAverageson versus a stone cold fox who is the layman’s equivalent of Eva Longoria. This is the age old truth. Unfortunately there are a lot of negative connotations that go along with really hot women and men are keenly aware of all of them. We all want to look our best when we go out but you don’t want to shy away a potential suitor because your 4 inch stilettos and perfect ass on display in a saran wrap club dress give him the wrong idea about you and your ability to rear his young.

2. Being a really Smart Chick

An Educated lady. Wow. Awesome. Lawyers, Accountants, Corporate tycoons. What a catch right? Not in 2011. We have all grown up hearing from our mothers that we should never dumb ourselves down in order to get a man and we should never deter from completing our college educations in order to accommodate “ some man”…How wonderful all that advice sounded back in our care free teen years and in our 20s. Now we are staring down the smoky barrel of 30(or 40 even) and maybe reflecting back on a few good men we squandered away claiming they were standing in the way of our oh so important pursuit of “education” hmm ok…possibly that wasn’t our finest hour…Now with crows feet setting in, gravity taking its course on our figures and the dating pool exponentially shrinking, we feel that we may have been a bit too hard on the old boys back in our hey day. I say all that to say that being a “smart chick” these days isn’t exactly roping in all the men like it once did. Men want to be the viewed as geniuses at all times and they have incredibly large egos. This isn’t a bad thing and I am not taking a jab, but it’s the truth. The sooner women come to terms with it and find a way to live with this, the happier they will all be. Unfortunately, to make a love a last, you’ve got to stroke the ego every now and again and let’s just be honest, simply play dumb when the situation calls for it. A male will 100% feel intimidated if he has an Associates Degree and you have an MBA or JD. That’s simply the brass tacks of that matter and I can’t be convinced otherwise. He may say its ok with him, and play the role of the doting comrade at your multiple graduations, but deep down all he can think about his own lack of education and how this all but guarantees your title of “Most Smart in this Relationship”. My point here is that while education is important and helps us earn more money (possibly) in our careers its not to be counted on a solid way to attract men in your direction. Personally, I wouldn’t use it as an opener at the bar top. Just saying. Men think they know everything and it’s a fact of life you just must live with. Battling against them in deep, heated political debates does little to nothing to create an aura of attractiveness around you. When you think you’ve won the debate because you’ve shut his argument down due to your solid grasp on facts, figures and current events, you will actually have lost because he is looking at the ditzy blonde over your shoulder who doesn’t know Rachel Ray from Rachel Maddow. The man becomes defensive and frustrated and starts to view you in a different light. If your natural tendency is to debate, you’ve got a long hard road ahead of you in the relationship department. Trying to impress him with your smarts is a dead end street as well. Nothing puts a fizzle on a date like a smug accountant watching her date use his iPhone to calculate the tip, only to bark out the correct tip settlement amount ( which she figured out in her head within seconds)with a cocky grin. Better get ready to spend some more nights at home watching Law and Order, because this guy is done. An MBA does not necessarily equal an MRS. Every man wants a smart wife; don’t get me wrong, but a bitchy know-it –all? Well he can take it or leave it.


3. Being Independent

Miss Independent. Don’t we know a bunch of those. Every man within earshot of this blog will SWEAR on their life that they really really want an independent woman. By this they mean, a women who will NOT ask him for his money and deplete all his resources because she has her own (and trust me this is ALL they mean by this). The misconception here is that men want the woman to be independent only by way of having her own money and a job but NOT in her mindset and outlook on life. (Nice huh?). Women get this wrong. Alot. They hear that men want independent but they aren’t aware of that little teeny tiny caveat. Men don’t want you to walking around screaming Beyonce anthems and telling them to move to “the left” because they can’t keep you in Gucci and Prada as you are accustomed to. It’s ok to have a job and make good money, but it’s also important to still appear to need him and his resources (no matter how limited they may be). This being said, women potentially drive off tons of future husbands by slamming their credit card down on a dinner tab and proclaiming loudly that they are independent and don’t need NO man to take care of them! Really? And you are the on this date for what reason then? I think in this day and age while it’s certainly a novelty for a woman to pay for dates , have nice cars and fancy clothes, a man feels it to be a slap in the face for his significant other to be truly “independent”. Think about it. If you are just so able to make it on your own, do you really even need him? I was told this same advice when I was 21 years old, and I immediately became defensive at the idea that I had to hold myself in second place to a man and his career and that I had to be the one to remain at the bottom of the career ladder while my focus remained squarely on “the home”. Now, at nearly age 30 my viewpoint has changed entirely. I get it. I understand it. I accept it. It’s not about demeaning yourself or undercutting your abilities but just realizing that its ok every now and then to be the lady and for him to be the man. Throwing your money and job status in the face of a man is not going to do you any favors in the relationship department. Deep down, I think men love the idea that a woman could provide for herself if she had to, but they still want to be seen as the caretaker and the provider and I am pretty sure they don’t mind a little neediness every now and then. Even men who don’t earn more than their wife, still like the atmosphere of the house to be where he is the King of the Castle. In these times, it’s common for women to work 10 to 12 work days, hold high profile positions at their jobs and put their home (cooking, cleaning, and family) in dead last place. Men really hate this and with just cause. Therefore, they view women that they date who claim to be “independent” as potentially going down that very road and it scares them. Therefore they will eventually look for greener and more “8 to 5 “pastures with a lady who isn’t going to constantly have to “schedule them in”. Every man says he really really wants an Independent Woman…but does he?


4. Having a Sense of Humor

Ahh, a sense of humor. The Ace in the Hole of personality traits. If you have a sense of humor, whether you are pretty or ugly, you can’t lose!! Right? ….more like, Wrong. As a jokester myself, I believe there was once a time when a few well timed jokes and a “life of the party” outlook could really take you places with a man. These days, the tides are certainly shifting. The reason is simple. Men love to believe they are extremely funny so much to the point where they could be a well paid stand up comedian if their whims ever so called for it. Any man who denies this is a boldface liar and you don’t want to date a liar, now do you? A man does not generally care to be with someone who will constantly upstage him and relinquish him of his thrown of the “Entertainer”. The point is that a funny woman can be taken in the wrong way in too many ways. There is sarcasm and irony and the old stand by of self-deprecating humor. What your final message will be is unknown. You make a joke about yourself, ok so now he thinks you have low self esteem. You make a joke about someone else, ok now he thinks you are a bitter and cynical hater. You make jokes about movies and spout quotes all day long, ok now he thinks you have no life. Humor is just too risky. With men these days and all their hang ups and sensitivities you just never know when one joke is just going to go too far. And even worse, if you are always slinging beers, throwing out raunchy jokes and scratching your nuts, you risk being seen as “one of the guys”. Lord knows, that is the temple of doom as far as relationships go. It’s hard to break out of that mold once you are set in it. I think men do, to some extent, like a women who makes them laugh but in a way that is not boorish or over the top. A few cute quips here and there or the random one liner should do fine but if you tend to really keep the crowd rip-roaring due to your constant stream of situational comedy…you may have a problem. You may glance over at your date to find him staring at you with narrowed and calculating eyes trying to figure out what’s really going on. The whole world is a stage…until its not. A true man is not willing to constantly stand by and play Sideshow Bob to your Krusty the Klown. If a “sense of humor” is your go to tune, its time to learn to play another instrument.



5. Loving Sports

This one is my favorite, so I have saved this one for last. I feel that this belief must be the biggest age-old myth that was ever invented. Some where back in the archives of history some man must have said “ Men love Women who love sports!”. Give me a break. Unfortunately this ideal has caught on like wildfire and women all over the globe (including myself at one time) have been reading and studying up on football and basketball as well as latching on to a few key teams and even participating in Fantasy Sports leagues. Now to be fair, I can admit that some women just truly and genuinely love sports and always have. However, I know for a fact that some women stay abreast of sports news and games in order to impress men or feel that this will somehow score them extra points, if you will, with the man of their dreams. Based on what I have seen in my own personal circle of friends, I will kindly beg to differ. I do believe it’s helpful to have a bit of sports knowledge because most men like to watch sports all the time and if you want to spend any time with the dude you have to jump on the bandwagon. However, very few men are interested in a surly, beer swigging, jersey wearing, backwards hat tomboy who is cussing out the refs louder than he is. You see where I am getting with this? I think when men say they want a woman who “loves sports”, they mean they want a woman who will “be quiet and get him a cold one” while sports are on the television and know enough about the game so as to not ask him any questions when a flag is called on the play. A man does not want to talk statistics with his lady in the same way he does his boys. If you are reminding a man of “his boys’ you are heading into dangerous territory. I think it’s to the woman’s favor to try to make as many clear differences as possible between her and the “Boys”. You would think this would be obvious but its not. While a man probably doesn’t prefer a women who knows nothing about sports or hates the games and at the end of the day he doesn’t mind a lady asking a few questions about the history of the game or seeking his opinion every now and then on certain calls. If a lady pushes to hard to show her “love” of sports a man may quickly start to view her as a drinking buddy or one of the gang. If you aren’t careful he may just start inviting you to Poker nights (ouch!). Just remember, the star quarterback is always going to end up marrying the Head cheerleader not his Left Tackle.



When it comes to men and dating and what they are looking for in a potential wife, your guess is as good as mine. In this blog I have made some random generalizations based on what I know and certainly not a professional opinion of any sort. Men are weird creatures and they must be entertained if you seek any form of romantic future with them. I think the key to scoring and keeping a good guy is reading the signals he is sending out and making adjustments as needed. Being picky, ornery, standoffish and unyielding will offer the least favorable results. If he is really the one you want, a few small sacrifices should be no big deal. Handling the ever-changing desires of men is as chancy as a game of craps and the odds of success are equally as unlikely. In this crazy game of love, they say you ought to play the hand you are dealt but I feel like you can pull a few more cards from the deck (or slide a few from the gray market) as needed but you still need a strategy to win. Do the best you can, being you, but then when being you isn’t quite going to cut it you have to put on your poker face, cover your hand and pull out your ace in the hole.

By: Tanya Birks
( married but had to learn the hard way :) )

The Biggest Loser

The Biggest Loser


Frankly, I am losing the excess weight I recently gained and now I am working half as hard as I used to in order to get lean and mean. I figure, why keep the secrets all to myself

Just a month a go I was blogging about how to sabotage your weight loss efforts, and now I have ample reason to blog about a different view point: How to HELP your weight loss efforts. Before you read this, keep in mind that I am being rather strict ( above and beyond what is needed) with it because I have a wedding, that is basically tomorrow! But for most of us, a few cheats here or there are perfectly fine plus you can alter the plan to fit your lifestyle best!

There are 3 keys to my weight loss plan this time around

• High Protein
• Low Sugar/Fats
• Moderate Carbs ( the good kind only)

I never thought in my life I would be saying this, but exercise hasn’t really been all that big of a factor this time around. I am going to be a fitness buff for life so I could never stop exercising but you know how they say diet is 80% and exercise is 20%? Well they weren’t freaking kidding. Literally, if you eat right, you don’t have to do diddly in the gym unless you are looking for toning and of course keeping your heart healthy, which of course matters!! The serious exercise is for vanity anyway, getting the toned and muscular look. Also, having more muscle on you is going to help your body burn more fat at rest, and isn’t that what this is all about anyway? So go ahead, lift those weights (but no requirement to live in the gym to be happy and fit).

Before trying this new way of eating, I just counted calories every single day, kept a food journal, and worked out at the gym until my arms and legs fell off. I was exhausted, yet wondering why my scale would not budge. It’s not just about calories, but about the type and quality of calories. What do ya know eh?

After doing some research ( seriously in depth) I learned that the way your body burns proteins is very different than how it process tons of sugar, fats, carbs , etc etc.
I always have known that eating less carbs, processed foods and choosing “better” food instead is good for you but I didn’t understand why. Well now I do. The less fat you put in , the less work your body has to do BEFORE it can start to burn the fat on your body, and you stay leaner with less work. You body wants to burn away that tummy fat, but how can it do that if its chugging away ALL DAY long burning away the junk you put in that whole week, it will never have time! So don’t overwork your system, its just that Simple! If you eat a protein, your body goes right to work and obliterates that, if you eat a fat, your body frowns! Plus proteins are more complex so you body has to work super hard just to break it down( you just might burn some extra calories in the process while once again, doing NADA), and the added bonus is that the protein isn’t going to sit on you and collect!

I learned that counting calories isn’t always going to be the way to go, because all calories are not created equal! ( like black people! Ha ha)

For example, I could eat 500 calories of plain grilled chicken at 10pm and wake up the next day and be the same weight. If I ate 500 calories of pizza, or say, a whole box of cheeze its! I would wake up the next day up 2 lbs plus bloated and feeling awful.

The way this plan has worked for me, is I eat “The good foods” so that I am energetic and never starving or hungry, but I don’t mess with the “Bad foods” except very sparingly. Obviously like at a happy hour or something! The critics say that’s its important not to label foods as “Good” and “Bad”, but I think to some extent you have to set up some boundaries!

I would also like to talk about alcohol. I have learned SO much lately about how that affects weight loss efforts. All this time, I assumed that since alcoholic beverages have calories and sugars that it hinders your weight loss efforts that way. However, that is not entirely true. We can drink in moderation, make the right beverage choices and still lose weight, but let me explain how else it can get in your way!

Every day your body burns fats, sugars, carbs, etc etc in order for you to live. The key to weight loss is making sure that your body is burning the right things( ie. Fat!) So you can get that slim figure.

For example, If I want to lose 2 lbs per week, and I eat a fresh and healthy diet all week, but then on the weekends I go to the clubs and binge drink all night, I may just have set myself back a few days. If you drink a vodka –water ( yuck)...on that particular drink , the carb content is 0 and so is the fat, but there is the alcohol its self ( and The alcohol is a source of energy that your body can use and wants to use, and if you don’t burn it off accordingly, your body will shrug its shoulder and happily store it as fat!)

I say all that to say, if you drink a lot your body is going to waste precious time and energy burning off the alcohol all the while leaving the fat sitting on your stomach and legs lying dormant. On top of that, your body likes to burn the alcohol first! So its like your body likes to drink too!:) If you don’t put in the alcohol in the first place, your body will go straight to burning off the good stuff! ( um, like your muffin top?) I don’t drink much, right now so every day I burn more and more, so the result is my thighs are getting smaller and my stomach is flatter. I work out moderate level about 4 days per week now; instead of 7 at full mast …I would say this is a sweet deal :)

So I’ve been putting this program to the test for the last 4 weeks and it’s produced some amazing results.
The program isn’t easy but over time it gets easier and more manageable, my appetite is adjusting as well.

I eat until I am full and I feel like I am eating more for fuel and energy and not for fun and excitement. And yes, this kind of does suck, but you know what sucks more? Being a black mammoth /sea lion combination that can’t fit into ANYTHING 

Any time I am hungry, I reach for primarily proteins. I don’t eat any “white stuff” like white bread or rice, chips, cookies, cakes. Don’t panic, you can eat these things, but just not every single day! I stay away from them right now because I Am afraid I will eat a little and then spiral into a frenzy. Anything that may set me off, I just try to stay away from. If you think you can handle it, then by ALL means!

The program can be different for everyone, but I am just telling you how this has worked specifically for me.

It’s been hard and I complain and some days I feel kind of bitchy, but I am not starving myself nor am I am constantly feeling a hunger in my stomach. I do want cakes and candy some days, or like, mashed potatoes with loaded toppings! Lol, but I try not to put anything in that I am not 100% sure my body can burn off plus some. I don’t want that feeling of a glob of food sitting in my stomach and not going anywhere. Or even, worse have to go back to crazy maniacal exercise program! ( yuck)

Prior to this program, I tried your standard “ diets” and I found those to be tedious, complicating and frustrating. This program is the easiest I have ever done.
The program is moderate carbs, or you can do low carbs. I know low carbs doesn’t work for everyone ( plus there is tons of controversy), so you can alter that to fit your needs and comfort level. Just making sure it’s the right carbs, is most important. I am not an expert on good carbs and bad carbs but I am sure its easy to find the info on the web or get a used book with more details. I know cutting carbs completely is bad news, but you do have to figure out which carbs your body can take and what others cause you to gain!

The real key to this program is high protein and low FAT, the carbs aren’t as much of a factor.

I want to note that I don’t eat much veggies and fruits on this diet, but I take supplements to be sure my body is getting the nutrients that it needs. You do not have to cut out fruits and veggies ! I repeat, please eat fruits and veggies. I don’t understand which fruits and veggies are the best/healthiest ones and which contain the least sugar, so I avoid them for the most part, however there are tons of websites which list in plain English which fruit and veggie choices are the best. I found that when I eat a lot of fruit I don’t lose weight SO I had to make that executive decision.

I drink water all day as well, 8 ounces about 10 times per day ( so 80 ounces roughly ?)
I put crystal light into my mix sometimes to help me get all that dang water down. I kind of hate water, you know? But you know what I hate more? Morbid obesity 

Also, I have to cook more on this program. But I make my food every other day so I always have something good ready to heat up if the urge to eat hits me! I don’t slave away in the kitchen but it helps me stay on track if I feel a hunger pain and all I have to do is heat up a burger patty or bake some fish and then rock and roll baby!

So lets just say, with the least effort I have ever put forward in my 28 years of life, I am now back into my size 6 clothes ( with room) plus my wedding dress is loose as a goose. I have no worries going into swim suit season and into my upcoming graduation and wedding ceremonies. I can worry about other things, like the growing EXPENSES! LOL

This is the EASIEST plan I have ever had to follow, however let me give you a few menus so you can see exactly what type of foods are lighting my fat burning fire!

This is an example of 2 of my daily menus:

Breakfast:
Coffee ( no cream) with sweet n low
4 slices of Turkey Bacon
2 eggs

Snack
1 can of tuna with cottage cheese
2 mozzarella cheese sticks

Lunch
Grilled chicken breasts with skim-milk parmesan cheese melted on top
Snapple diet tea ( best stuff on earth? Um, heck yeah dude)

Snack
1 large Turkey burger patty, seasoned ! with mustard to dip ( just dip baby dip!)

Dinner
2 Tilapia filets and grilled shrimp ( yum!)

Dessert
Sugar free Jello and Diet SunDrop! ( burn extra calories by dropping it like its hot)

Another daily menu:

Breakfast
Omelet with ham and cheese ( skim milk based cheese!)
2 cups coffee
Diet dr pepper ( yup, I aint cutting the doctor!)

Snack
Turkey sausage ( 2 links)

Lunch
Sliced turkey breast
2 hard boiled eggs (cut up and seasoned!)
Tea

Snack
More sliced turkey breast with Dijon mustard sauce

Dinner
Roasted Chicken with Celery/onions and Broth

Dessert:
Sugar free fruit popsicle



Does that sound like starving to you?
Didn’t think so :)




-Tanya Jackson